Looking back to look forward!

  Today, as I drove east, the ominous clouds and mountains covered in snow were a direct contrast to the blue sky and sunshine in my rear view mirror.   It was really quite remarkable as I looked from one direction to the next.  I was perfectly positioned in the middle to see darkness and winter to the east and signs of spring to the west.  I had little choice but to keep traveling east to deliver a forgotten lunch to the school, however, I was eagerly awaiting my trip home, west, into the sunshine.  

So, by now you can feel of my everyday passion for recognizing the adversity, dealing, and then seeing the sunshine ahead.  I was acutely aware at my conflicted emotions of wanting to turn around and see the sun and yet the need to head directly into the storm.   I couldn't help but embrace the analogy of the past little while, as we approach the year mark for Davis' illness.  Many thoughts were passing through my head, as they relentlessly do, and I realized that all of this time in mortality is just like my brief drive today. Not just this past year, but all of life is stormy or bright depending on your direction.  I know mushy and analytical, however, I was just overcome by the similarities in the moment.  My constant thoughts of Davis, as well as all my children, and getting them through this time in our life, have not stopped all the other trials from happening around us.  My children have learned to pray in a way for our family and for others that they will carry throughout their lives.  In Emmi's words, "Thankful that we can get through this trial and be strong."  As each new family member or friend is faced with a life trial, the names in the prayers have changed or been added to over the year.  Near or far.  You are on our minds and in our prayers.

Sometimes our lives are in deep crisis, and we are in an active struggle to survive. Other times, such as when we are newly in love, life appears near perfection. But much of life occurs between the polar states of pain and joy, and often, when we truly inquire of our inner being, the answer is, "Is that all there is to life?" "Is this all I can expect from life?"

Whenever life is not awful, but occurs as somehow unfulfilled, listen for the small quiet voice within that is whispering, "THIS is your calling. THIS is your purpose. THIS is your reason for being." Be gentle with yourself. You may have shushed that inner whisper for years, so be patient if you don't hear it at once.

 Begin now to pay attention and begin to listen for that voice.

                                                                                                                                                 J. Huie

As I continue my adventure of organizing photos, my gratitude for life is so full as I take an emotional look at the past year.  The uncertainties and the heartbreaks, are all there, accompanied by smiles of determination to not only survive , but live life.  The many friends, family and perfect strangers within an amazingly giving community, bring tears of appreciation to my eyes.  I reflect on photos of cleaning angels, that lightened not only my physical load, but the emotional stress of bringing a child without an immune system out of the walls of the hospital and back home. Photos of a community pulling together and letters of hope and support touch my heart.  Family and friends that gave stability and attention and even some vacation to the rest of my family. Bless you all.

What a year in review.
Although Davis has a long road ahead as we await the day to begin tapering meds and what the reactions will be, he continues to forge forward with a gentle strength.  I love seeing the typical teen attitude and teasing along with the passion to make each day a healthy, active and loving one.  As we now face other trials and health issues, his example of faith and endurance has profoundly impacted and added to the strength of our entire family.  Looking back, I am of course grateful for the lessons learned, the love and service felt.  I am also grateful that we aren't there any longer.  We were blessed with the power to survive some amazingly dark and life-altering moments in time.  My goal is forever ingrained, that although one storm is subsiding, we must prepare for another and another that will most certainly be heading our way.  The endurance of trials is the true test of time.  I pray daily that I will be the kind of person and a strong individual to withstand the refiners fire throughout my life.  As I watch ball games and kids play, go through the daily motions of living, college midterms taken, life moving forward with the death of some, the birth of new little ones and hearts broken through personal and world trials, my testimony is ever strengthened at the need to endure and the promises made to us by a merciful and loving Heavenly Father if we but hold tight through this, our experience, "somewhere in time."  
   
                                           



          


                                                                   

                                     

Special thanks to our sister and aunt for helping us 

celebrate this year in photos!     Plumecreative.blogspot.com

I, want to soak up the sun!

At the beginning of the day today, my heart and mind were incredibly heavy.  Thoughts swirled around all the unknowns that just keep coming.   Just when one seems to lighten a bit, another comes along.  I know this is the purpose and test of time.   We had a FHE lesson on the difference of confusion and order.  The phrase, "don't add confusion," or "don't be the confusion," has been repeated several times since then.  I was hoping to incorporate order, however, we are just trying to cut back on the daily confusion and then add the order back in...one thing at a time. Today, I tried to take the day to surround myself with everything good and peaceful, so that I could have help in decision making for Ben and Davis.  No rushing, light music, deep breathing, little phone chats, no shopping, positive thoughts and the temple.  I was intrigued at how many interruptions tried to keep me from my goal of balance today.  Even sitting in the temple lobby, a determined conversation about grounds and construction scheduling was being played out almost to distraction.  Of course the morning routine of little people off to various activities, jobs and making the school bus gives me ample practice to tune out the commotion. Needless to say, after my all too brief yet poignant moment in time,

I walked out of the temple feeling empowered and content.  I love those words.   

As I tried to maintain the peaceful emotions, within a few moments, confusion began.   Calls for a car that needed to be dropped off for service, pending lab results for one child, an appointment for another and a new twist, labs pending for a puppy! You can only imagine my saturation level as I wait with the phone in hand for lab results from Davis and Ben. So when the Vet says to me, "I will call you in a few hours with the lab results of your puppy," the saturation level spilled over into tears and laughter at the irony.  I must say it's a good fact that our Vet is a dear friend, and all he could offer a crazed exhausted women crying and laughing in his lobby was a hug and an it's okay!   We continue to be blessed and surrounded by good people and friends with generosity that is awe-inspiring.  P.S. Thankfully, the puppy is not diabetic. Just a few tweaks with diet for allergies and were off and running again,

No news yet from Ben's labs, so we wait.  Davis had very good news that a few of the labs that had not been normal to this point were within reach and looking good.  His platelets did drop from the last three weeks of increase, thus we will repeat labs next week and hopefully see a trend back upwards and revisit the tapering medication issue.  He was a little bummed at the decision to delay tapering, however, in full Davis style, he patiently accepts the news, and moves on to the rest of his day.

Can you just feel Spring in the sunshine today.  The week of visits and such called for a little R & R in the sun! So....in the comfort of my car, in my driveway, I laid the seat back, rolled down the window and soaked it in for a good 35 minutes today!

 If things are not as you wish, wish them as they are.

- Yiddish Proverb

Not quite the white sand beach of my dreams, but peaceful and warm in it's own right...until the alarm sounds, startling me out of my much needed power nap, as little ones find me and try to open the doors!  Reality begins...bring it on!

“How simple it is to see that all the worry in the world cannot control the future.  How simple it is the see that we can only be happy now. 

And that there will never be a time when it is not now.-Gerald Jampolsky

March is positive attitude month!

We had a great weekend with the Cox family as we visited Hardware Ranch and the elk, followed by a dinner at Maddox in Brigham City.  Ben was thrilled that he was allowed to order off the regular menu.  Taking full advantage of this challenge and ordering a half pound bison burger...endless fries, cream soda and a larger than life coconut cream pie for dessert.  You guessed it!  He polished off all but a few bites of the pie.  "Just so that I can eat some at home!"  The meal was also revisited at 1:30 am.  I write this why?  It's good to keep the humor and hope of childhood alive.   Ben feels like since the involuntary purge, his pee has been much better and thus no more doctors visits are needed.  If only that kind of hope could come true.  Unfortunately for him, it did not and off for the Nephrology consult we go.

Forward with faith.  What more is there but diligence in the physical and worldly care and constant faith when you hear once again the words; "well, we do not suspect that "this" is a common issue that we usually see, so we are going to test for some "rare" issues, that we, of course, do not expect to see.  My heightened awareness of the rare being a huge part of our world right now causes my mind to literally shut down for what I think was about 15 seconds, as I watch my 10 year-old by my side playing an Ipad game...trying to ignore the possibilities and more testing that the Dr. was handing out.  He only raises is head when words such as needle and surgery and a stay in the hospital are mentioned. My heart was crushing at the thoughts of him having to be so strong.  I try to maintain composure all the while fighting back a few doubts that my reserves are resilient enough to be strong. They did not think it was the simple strep cause that we were hoping for however, some tests were not complete.  The physicians comment when we were leaving was, "I'm sorry when I give my parents more questions than answers."  He was very thorough and wanted to cover all possibilities.

So... we will follow up on Monday with more testing and hopefully have more answers then.  Ben is feeling fine and being tough.  He asked if the next tests would "hurt like the last test." I said, "yes about the same."  With confidence, "okay good, I can do that!"  I smiled at his new found optimism that he had survived one round and he could do another.    March is after all positive attitude month!   The effects felt on all, as some people develop imaginary friends to see them through the tough times...now Emmi has had the occasional imaginary colored pee.  No worries, I spent some one-on-one time last night with and some attention playing UNO, magically her pee is now "almost white, so that's normal right?" We will all have a degree after all this!   I love the reminder that it is the simple attention given to a child that can encircle them with the security and love they desire. Chinese fortunes that night with Ben and Emmi. Ben: YOU WILL SLEEP WELL AT NIGHT. His response, "That's just the perfect one for me, how did they know I haven't been sleeping well."  Another testament to the power of positive thinking...he did sleep all night that night.  Emmi: YOU WILL PASS A DIFFICULT TEST THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIER!  Without hesitation, "I did that today, I got 100 on my spelling and the challenge words were so hard!"  Ah, life through the eyes of a child.  I wish I could bottle it!

 I have to admit the weight of the burdens of the worlds filled my day as one hundred percent of my communications with people this day were full of life's traumas, from health, to children, elderly parents, marriage struggles, financial challenges or wayward children.  It seems everywhere I turn, challenges are found.  Everyone has their trials and I just didn't understand the need for all that I heard of today.  I know, Be still and know that I am God.  This sentence is repeated often and provides such a reprieve. Gentle Strength.

Courage doesn't always roar.

Sometimes courage is the quiet voice

at the end of the day saying,

"I will try again tomorrow."

- Mary Anne Radmacher